At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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