Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
