dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
