i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
