I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
