sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We had sex on a dog bed..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
