the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
