Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Green mimosas i think yes
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
