I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
