I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
