I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
