If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
