She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
