Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
