I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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