im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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