I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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