so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
