Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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