I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize