he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
