I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize