and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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