rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
