It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I hate all girls vehemently.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
two words: eviction party
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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