The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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