I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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