Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I FOUND THE LEGS
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
