I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
