Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I believe in your delicious
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