ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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