Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
