If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Holy sore nipples Batman
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