Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
