she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
