How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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