i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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