the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
