Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I FOUND THE LEGS
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
