im having a threesome with these popsicles
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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