the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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