Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
