I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
3 2 1 whiskey
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
