I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
