There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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