pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
