fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
