i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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