This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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