from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize