My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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