Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
