awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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