Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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