i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
