I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
